Author Archives: Camara Fedoriw

Belief Over Time Produces Faith

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On Chinese New Year, we went to visit our pastor’s family. Pastor Samuel is passionate about the truth and getting his congregation to understand why and how Jesus is real and worthy of belief. As I’ve written before on this blog, it has been a huge struggle for me to believe this.

After dinner, instead of the planned board games, he initiated a Socratic discussion (asking and answering questions) where he asked us “who is Jesus?” Somehow we arrived on the topic of Abraham, and I realized for the first time the amount of time between promises God gave to Abraham and their fulfillments. Decades of time where Abraham wondered if he would ever see his promised descendants, let alone a single son.

Belief over time produces faith.

When I first found out I was pregnant, it was hard to believe, especially after a few emotional months of “not yet.” Those first weeks were flooded with all kinds of anxiety, but also a prayerful hope…

When I first saw my tiny baby during the 10 week ultrasound, I believed a second time. I was shocked at the stillness of the baby sleeping on its side, but heard a strong heartbeat and so I cried.

The third time, the baby lay on its back like a little cockroach, wiggling arms and legs. He was alive and moving. I believed again and cried.

These times of actually seeing how my baby was growing were spaced out by months at a time. Not as long as Abraham, but still requiring a kind of faith that the baby would continue to grow and thrive. Now I have almost daily evidence of his (yes, he’s a boy) existence through his kicks, punches, and rolls.

Belief over time produces faith.

Matthew and I have already given him Chinese and English names. The essence of his name meaning is “to understand the truth.” This is something that has been a struggle for me and one of the reasons I’ve struggled in my faith. Even with a name like that, my baby has that potential as well. But he has already helped me understand a very small truth that faith is about the experience of seeing God at work in the past and present in the hope that He will continue in the future.

Belief over time produces faith.

Post-Election Peace?

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electoral-collegeThe first thing I wrote was partisan and bit self-righteous, so I’m trying again. I believe it’s important to work to mend the divide that has become apparent in this election. To me, it seems that Christians have been the most divided by this election than any other in my memory. In my Facebook news-feed alone, there were radical supporters of both candidates, sharing both rational debates and illogical fake news.

One late night show host, Stephen Colbert, said this about the divide:

By every metric, we are more divided than ever as a nation…. How did our politics get so poisonous? I think it’s because we overdosed, especially this year. We drank too much of the poison. You take a little bit of it so you can hate the other side and it tastes kind of good and you like how it feels and there’s a gentle high to the condemnation.

I know I overdosed. It helped me feel good about myself. It still helps me feel good, until I realize the hypocrisy and self-righteousness in my own heart. One of the main problems with the poison is that it isolates me from people who think differently than myself. I call myself a tolerant person, but I become intolerant when people tell me their reasoning for acting/voting differently than I think they should. But I want to be able to love. How do I?

On Thursday night, I had the words of Handel’s Messiah running through my head “and He shall reign forever and forever.” So I started listening to the complete Handel’s Messiah and I now recommend it as an antidote for believers who are experiencing fear of the future. If you take my advice, don’t miss the solos, which often are in minor keys but end on a major chord. “Unto Us A Child is Born” especially struck a chord with me, with the lyrics “and He shall be called wonderful counselor, the mighty God, the everlasting Father, the Prince of peace.”

As Christians, we have more that brings us together than divides us. We have a King who is known as wonderful counselor and the prince of peace.

We believe these things about Jesus, that He:

  • Became a man, entered our dark world, and suffered with us.
  • Was rejected by the majority, unjustly accused, and sentenced to death.
  • Arose from the dead, defeating the final enemy–death.
  • Hears the prayers of the downtrodden.
  • Calls us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us.
  • And much, much more…

Since this is a post-election follow-up to Luke’s post, I would like to quote him: “Very concerning things are happening, but because of that, God will make all things well.” I am concerned, but when I am, I think about our King Jesus, who is a wonderful counselor and Prince of peace, and try to live like it.

I Need Help

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When considering what I would write about, I had a small internal crisis. What can I write about that is actually me being authentic, not just writing a fluff piece about something slightly deep that’s safe to share? You see, I have a problem that’s actually skewing my perspective on the community of Christ and causing me to question anything anybody says about Christianity. I go to church and sing the songs and listen to the message and the whole time, I’m constantly condemning others based on my paranoid assumptions. 

I do the following:

  • View every Christian leader with suspicion, especially if they sound confident. (Because confidence is fake)
  • Hear a happy song and instantly assume the singer is a fake.
  • Think people are fake when they’re crying during worship.
  • Don’t give my money to charity, because I’m worried that it’s fake.
  • Read a church sign and instantly jump to conclusions about the church.
  • Assume I’m part of the spiritual elite because I’m better than that other fake person.
  • Think, that person clearly does not understand _______. But I do. (Because I’m not a fake)

And I realize, I’m not really loving people. I’m using the many examples of public Christian failure to bolster my condemnation of people I don’t even know. It’s causing me to miss out on the beauty of Christian community.

It’s like the dwarfs in C.S. Lewis’ The Last Battle who refuse to see the new Narnia because of their paranoia and unbelief.

dwarfs_stable

“[The dwarfs] will not let us help them. They have chosen cunning instead of belief. Their prison is only in their own minds, yet they are in that prison; and so afraid of being taken in that they cannot be taken out.”

Part of the beauty of the Christian community is that we all come together at the foot of the cross. We have all sinned, and we are all loved by the same Savior. “There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:28

Some ways that I’m going to try to deal with my condemning paranoia (not in order of importance):

  1. Write this blog post. Say the words “I don’t know. I’m struggling. I need help.” Especially because I don’t want to admit those things. I want to be independent and fix my own problems, thank you very much. But I’m sick of staying caught inside my own head trying to sort this all out… The second one is closely related, and better, because it involves community.
  2. Go talk to people in real life about this problem. Even though I’m certain that nobody can understand me the way I understand myself! Oh wait, I don’t understand myself either.
  3. I don’t know! I’m struggling! I need help! But the confusion is less having written this.

Masterpiece

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When I originally finished my degree and earned my teaching license, I assumed I would be teaching nothing but ESL as long as I worked in Taiwan. However, this year my school started making big plans to become a bilingual school, where the American teachers will be co-teaching anything from math to art with a Taiwanese teacher. Last semester I started co-teaching art for the first time.

All of the memories of the art class I had at a homeschool co-op when I was a teenager resurfaced. At that time, I loved to create things. I just didn’t want to create what my art teacher wanted me to create. Who wants to draw a bunch of fruit when you could be sewing doll clothes at home? Who wants to draw a color wheel when you could be doing anything else? But I found out that I actually love art–I love the act of creating. I love being an art teacher where I’m allowed to do the two things I love the most: plan and create.

The problem is, I often think very poorly of myself, especially about planning. I call myself “stupid” for writing everything down, or a “worrier” for planning ahead. In the Christian life, it’s pretty common for us to say the words “I’m worthless” because we’re often thinking about what our role is in gaining salvation. Sometimes that affects the way we look at every personality trait of ours, even the good ones.

How do we reorient our lives to believe that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made”? That He did nothing wrong when He created us with our unique personalities? The truth is, God made us to look like Himself with His traits. A very familiar verse which we all memorized at VOICE comes to mind: “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” (Ephesians 2:10, NLT) I used a different translation than what we memorized because of the word “masterpiece.” Just the word masterpiece evokes a flood of emotions that is sometimes present when we look at a famous piece of art or hear a famous piece of music. When God made us, He took time. He chose specific materials, mixed the perfect colors, and then intricately designed every detail of our being. Not only that but because of creating us anew in Christ we leave off the title “worthless”. We get a new title “worthwhile”.

I plan because I love to plan, because God loves to plan. When He created the world it was a part of this huge grand plan that each of us take part in every day. When I’m planning and creating I’m taking part in what God has been doing from the beginning and doing exactly what He created me to do.art class 301

Conquering The Fourth Grade Mafia Boss

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When I first started teaching my current fourth graders two years ago, my mantra for their class was “love conquers all.” Recently, I have realized much of the reason for their moody behavior in class and stage whispers about which teachers they like. I’ve always known it was about who was in control of the class, but I always blamed the wrong students. With a flash of a stamped paper, trading little items back and forth during class, and a glimpse of paper money, I finally discovered the culprit.

Jenny gives her classmates stamps based on their behavior–toward her. The stamps are converted to paper money, used to buy things at her “store.” When I first saw glimpses of this store in action, I was incredulous at the types of things that were being sold. Plain, clear folders. Ordinary pens. If they don’t buy, they are punished by Jenny’s moods. Also, the worst thing is that Jenny has the power to take anything they buy back from them, giving them no security. Following Jenny’s rules enslaves them and makes it impossible for them to enjoy anything that’s not giving them a tangible reward. They prefer Jenny’s material rewards to the immaterial rewards teachers give them such as praise, accomplishment, and education.

Love = truth + grace. I grew up in a church that emphasized truth over grace and so naturally the pendulum has swung over to the grace side. However, both grace and truth are vital in my relationship with these students. Without grace, I’d scold them after every infraction. Without truth, I’d ignore their self-destructive behavior. Love does conquer all, but it needs to be a rich, nuanced love; grace and truth working side-by-side. Grace and truth have to be so blended in our words that no one can see where truth ends and grace begins.

How can I so blend truth and grace? My actions towards my students are a representation of how God responds to my sin and self-destructive behavior. Truth often requires that I suffer earthly consequences for my foolish actions, but Jesus took the eternal consequences onto himself in a stunning display of grace.

In that, Jesus Christ, who was full of grace and truth, conquers all.

Conquers my apathetic heart.

Conquers little fourth grade mafia bosses and those whom they oppress.

Conquers all.

the j class

Trust vs. Self-Reliance

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As many of you know, I married Matthew around two weeks ago. The conversations we had while dating were often about how to trust. Both of us have had people fail us, and we’re not too naive to realize that we would fail each other too.

While I was writing my wedding vows, I struggled with what exactly to say regarding trust. I finally said this:

“I take you with all your faults and your strengths as I offer myself to you with my faults and strengths. I will freely forgive your faults, knowing that my own have been freely forgiven in Christ…. I commit to honestly communicate and I give you my heart and my trust, willingly, and without reservation.”

Two weeks after saying those vows to Matthew, I’ve come to realize even more what a huge task trusting somebody is. My attitude in the past toward family and friends has always been “they’ll fail me; I can do it on my own.” But with Matthew, there are times that it is necessary to trust him. I can’t throw him aside and do it myself like I’ve done with so many other people.

I always thought that the opposite of trust is doubt. But for me, the opposite of trust is self-reliance. Self-reliance is the action; the reason why I’m unable to trust. It’s silly, isn’t it? Because I’m once again placing all my trust on someone who can fail me, myself.

One of my favorite authors, Tullian Tchividjian, whose recent moral failure was part of the inspiration for this post, said:

“…the deepest slavery is self-dependence, self-reliance. When you live your life believing that everything (family, finances, relationships, career) depends primarily on you, you’re enslaved to your strengths and weaknesses. You’re trying to be your own savior… Real life begins when we transfer our trust from our own efforts to the efforts of Christ.”

I sent this song to Matthew at the beginning of our relationship, and we even sang it together at our wedding. I still don’t know really what trusting in God means, but this song continues to express what I do understand of trust.

Lead, kindly Light, amidst the grey and gloom
The night is long and I am far from home
Here in the dark, I do not ask to see
The path ahead-one step enough for me
Lead on, lead on, kindly Light.
~ “Lead, Kindly Light” by Audrey Assad

matthew & cami lantern

Three Christmases

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This is the story of three Christmases:

Last Christmas was the most difficult Christmas I’ve ever experienced. I was a team leader in Taiwan, juggling responsibilities of team, family, and friends. My sister had recently lost her first child in a late, painful miscarriage. My family was visiting, but instead of a joyful reunion and celebration, we were all in mourning; our celebration muffled by our loss. Christmas Day was spent going numbly from one activity to the next. To sum up last Christmas in a phrase: dark sorrow.

This Christmas, I experienced the best of both worlds in Taiwan and America. I spent all the anticipation of Christmas in Taiwan with my sister and her husband, waiting for their second child Lórien to be born. I arrived in the States the day before Christmas Eve and spent Christmas day preparing and eating a joyous feast with the rest of my family. For the first time in three years, I spent Christmas in my childhood home looking out at piles of snow. This Christmas in a phrase: joyful light.

In the stillness and sorrow of last Christmas, a refrain echoed “God with us.”
In the activity and joy of this Christmas, that refrain still echoes.

By contrasting these two Christmases, I have started to see the bittersweet nature of the first Christmas, when we celebrate God coming down to be with us. At the time of Jesus’ advent, Israel was under foreign rule that had lasted for 400 years. Ancient prophecies spoke of a virgin conceiving and giving birth to a son whose name would be called Immanuel–”God with us”.

The joyous occasion of Jesus’ arrival was muffled like my family’s last Christmas. A jealous, insane king searched for the Baby to kill him before He even grew up and slaughtered the baby boys of Bethlehem. It is likely that the shepherds who had witnessed the glory of God shining around them and seen the Child themselves suffered the heartbreaking, dark sorrow of losing their own children.

Photo by Lars Kasper

Photo by Lars Kasper

Platitudes are unhelpful when sorrow cuts deep–but instead of offering a platitude, God offered Himself.

That’s why Jesus’ title of “God with us” is important to remember, because it was HE who came into our dark world as the light “shining in the dark, and darkness has never put it out.” (John 1:5 CEV).